In the counseling world, this is what we call a REFRAME:
Why a Teen Who Talks Back May Have a Bright Future: NPR
Happy Wednesday!
~Lisa
Family and Emotional Reactivity
"Emotional reactiveness in a family, or other group that lives or works together, goes from one family member to another in a chain reaction pattern." Murray Bowen, 1971
Have you noticed how when one family member becomes anxious and upset about something the feeling reverberates through the entire family? Your family is an emotional system. In order to understand what's going on with any particular family member, the entire relationship system needs to be undestood as completely as possible.
Marriage and family therapists are specifically trained in systems thinking and can help you understand how anxiety may be flowing through your family system.
Intentionally yours,
Lisa
The mysterious workings of the ADOLESCENT BRAIN- TED Talk by Sarah-Jayne Blakemore
For my dear husband and all the other parents out there who have a teenager (or maybe four, as in our case) in the house and just. do. not. get. whattheywerethinking when (insert behavior here)!!
When as parents we ask "Did you think about this? Did you even use your brain?", sometimes teenagers' brains are busy pruning unused synaptic nerves, and they are just not developmentally ready to consider all the consequences or use the thoughtful judgment that you and I (as adults) are capable of (most of time...hehee). It's true! But don't worry, in this valuable TED Talk, Sarah-Jayne Blakemore assures us that it'll all fall in place.... By the time your precious little one is TWENTY-FOUR (choke, cough) he or she will hopefully be through with adolescence and able to maintain a "stable, independent role in society." THAT's the goal, right folks? (Have I mentioned that the 'experts' are adding a new 'life-cycle stage' in which adult children in their mid-twenties move back in with their parents due to it taking longer for young adults to become self-supporting in today's economy?...Some are calling it "economic adolescence"... that's another blog entry).
This vid is about 15 minutes, but well worth the watch. Since initially watching it a few months ago, I have referred back to it several times.... to remind myself of where my darlings are at developmentally. Seriously good info here!
Intentionally yours,
Lisa
“It is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.” ~ Ann Landers
As children are either just underway or about to start the new school year, my pledge to myself and my family is to remember the above quote. As parents, if we do for our children what they are developmentally able to do for themselves, we miss a valuable opportunity for our children to experience their competence and gain confidence. So kiddos, you are on your own for SCHOOL LUNCHES this year! I'M doing YOU a favor! .... However, I am taking orders for healthy options to have around the house. What age-appropriate tasks are you having your children take on?
I hope everyone is set for a FABULOUS start to the 2012-2013 school year!
Intentionally yours!
~Lisa
DAUGHTERS: Busting through the sexual stereotypes & raising strong girls.
John Mayer said it nicely:
"On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too"
I recently read an article about how influential fathers can and should be with regard to breaking down the traditional stereotypes of girls as emotional and boys as logical and rational, as well as to combat the objectification and sexualization of girls, which is happening at increasingly younger ages (yes, think 'Toddlers and Tiaras'.... W.O.W.... that's all I have to say about that show). I completely agree with this concept. However, I believe that all families (Moms, Dads, and any combination of the two) would benefit their daughters by stepping back and considering what messages are being sent both in and out of the house and what effect we can all have on these messages and how our girls view themselves. Girls have enough going against them when one considers the near-naked ads, the sexist jokes (the proverbial, "I was just messin' with ya," doesn't cut it), the prom and pageant spectacles, the slurs on the street, and the plethora of 'reality' t.v. All these things work against the quest to raise strong, confident, intelligent girls who are comfortable with all aspects of themselves, not limited to their physical attributes.
80% of what children learn is through modeling. This good news for moms and dads. We do matter. We do! They are watching and listening. So here's a list of things we can do to counter the negative messages our daughters are inevitably bombarded with:
- Consider your relationship with your spouse or partner. Children learn how to be in a relationship from the first relationship they witness: their parents'. Treat your partner the way you would want your daughter or son to be treated in a relationship because in their world, whatever they witness is their 'normal'.
- Be aware of too much external praise. "You're so cute (pretty, beautiful, gorgeous)" or "What a princess you are!!" sends a message to girls that they will first get noticed for how they look, and that their looks are therefore what matters. Hearing this message again and again and can lead to self-criticism and body image disorders. When another person states how pretty your daughter is, think about adding a phrase such as, "Yes, and she is creative too!". Society is ready to sexualize and objectify your daughter, but your time with her can innoculate her against this indignity.
- Try asking your daughter how she feels about herself at any given moment, and remember to praise her for her internal qualities, "Wow, look how strong you are kicking the ball!", "What a fabulous friend you are to Emma!", "How do you feel about getting an 'A' on that test"?
- Listen more, talk less. When our children are going through rough times, as parents, dads in particular, we have a tendency to want to 'fix things' and make it all better. It's natural to want to take the pain away, but letting girls talk about their problems and generate their own list of possible solutions is an excellent life skill that relays the message to them that they are smart and capable. It allows them to find their inner voice and resulting strength. I even suggest letting your daughter argue her case with you. In letting your daughter speak, you are telling her that what she has to say is worth hearing, and as she gets older, she'll be ready to let the world know it!
- Hug, kiss, snuggle, wrestle, give piggy-back rides, hold her hand, brush her hair, give her a back massage, or whatever other kind of touch comes to mind. Show her that there are ways to be close and be touched that aren't sexual or aggressive.
- Let go of overprotectiveness. Yup. This applies to all ages. Allowing your toddler daughter to stray from you and discover the world around her while having you there to guide her and brush the gravel off her knees when she falls gives her the confidence to explore her world and try new things knowing you're there if she needs you. As your now teenage daughter heads out the door on her first date, instead of 'standing on the porch with the proverbial shotgun' let her know that you are confident in her ability to make the right decisions, and that you'll be there if she needs you. Letting go is hard at any age, but like it or not, that's the ultimate goal, right? So the sooner she can start practicing for this moment, the better off she'll be.
- Sons. Ground zero. Be aware of how you talk about and treat women in front of your sons, for this how they learn to view and treat girls. This is the foundation of their view of how they relate to the opposite sex. Showing them how to respect and view girls and women as intelligent, strong equal human beings is one of the first steps in stopping the perpetual cycle described above.
By Lisa Hunter, M.A., LMFTA
Intentionally yours,
Lisa
The key to brain development in infants and children: LOVE.
When it comes to hippocampi (think brain parts), size DOES matter. According to Dr. Charles Raison, CNNhealth's mental health expert,
"...more than any place else in the brain, when it comes to the hippocampus, size matters. Other things being equal, having small hippocampi increases your risk for all sorts of troubles, from depression and post traumatic stress disorder to Alzheimer’s disease.
Just as having small hippocampi increases the risk for all sorts of mental disorders, all the things in our lives that put us under undue stress and strain also shrink the hippocampus. This is as true for cigarette smoking as it is for being exposed as a child to abuse or parental neglect.
In addition to protecting us against brain illnesses, we all need big hippocampi because this brain area, while not much bigger than your little finger, plays a disproportionately large role in how you will be able to handle the stresses and strains of your life, and how you will remember your life when it’s all said and done. This is so because the hippocampus is crucial for our ability to form and store personal memories. It is also of central importance for restraining the body’s stress and inflammatory responses, both of which can induce significant damage to bodily organs and the brain if not properly reined in."
Especially nurturing mothers can literally grow their children's hippocampi. TRANSLATION: Parents who are emotionally present for their children innoculate these children against life stressors... both mentally AND physically.
And soooo, if Mom (or Dad, if he is the primary caregiver) is struggling with depression or anxiety or any other mental condition, being physically present and going through the day to day motions of caring for the children isn't enough. LOVE and NURTURING are the most important environmental factors in predicting a child's future emotional well-being. Marriage and family therapists can help parents so they can be emotionally available for their children thus resulting in not only the parents living a more emotionally-satisfying life, but an 'immunization' for their children's present and future emotional health.
Intentionally,
Lisa
Click here for the full article in CNN Health.
One rated R movie you might want your child to see...
More on the important topic of BULLYING. This article by GreatSchools titled 'One rated R movie you might want your child to see' summarizes the harrowing content of a documentary set to release in theaters on March 30.
"The new documentary, Bully, captures a wicked picture of what’s really going on in schools: rampant bullying and the utter failure of adults to stop it."
"In fact, the obliviousness of adults and their failure to take bullying seriously is one of the most disturbing aspects of Bully. We witness graphic scenes from the violent frontlines of childhood, but when kids attempt to report back from the warzone of their daily lives, the adults fail, again and again, to get it. This bad behavior on the part of adults serves as an excellent talking point with your child — to build a bridge with them and make them understand you will never respond the same way. And it’s one of the strongest reasons to overlook the movie’s adults-only rating."
"For this reason, Bully may be the most important R-rated movie your children ever see. Each parent must decide what’s appropriate for their child, based on their temperament and age, but for this movie, don't make your decision based on the rating alone. After all, The Hunger Games, due out a week before Bully, is about children in sexy outfits slaughtering each other for the entertainment of the masses, and it garnered a mere PG-13."
This movie received an R rating because of a few 'f-bombs' dropped by the kids (this rating is currently being challenged). After reading this article, I plan to take my kids to see this important message. Bullying is much more than 'kids being kids', and as adults, this message needs to start with us.
If you read the article or end up viewing the movie, I'd love to hear your input on this important topic that has gone seemingly unchecked for too long.
Intentionally,
Lisa
Chasing Katy
My oldest daughter, Katy, turned 14 last month. (Gulp). All of the kiddos are growing up to be such fun, witty, beautiful, generous, amazing individuals! This past year Katy took up running on a regular basis. Before last year, she would join me for a run every now and then, but not really consistently. My guess is that she originally joined because she craved the one-on-one time with Mom... a rarity in a home with four children, and since no one else wanted to “run without being chased” (as my husband puts it), Katy saw an opportunity to get what she needed. When she first started, she'd huff and puff her way along, stopping to catch her breath or stretch a muscle. I'd walk with her when she’d stop, but I was anxious to start back up and couldn’t wait for the day sweet Kate could keep up and we could run together chatting and laughing the entire way.
I take my runs seriously. For me, it's like brushing my teeth... something that has to be done in order to go about my day. My run time is my time to unwind and organize my thoughts. This time also has a spiritual aspect to it. I can't completely describe it, but I feel alive, connected, and grounded when I'm outdoors pushing myself both physically and mentally. I cherish my runs and don't easily give them up. Like some of us who are "addicted" to exercise, I've been known to run through stress fractures, pulled muscles, and too soon after medical procedures. I can't help myself.... for me the benefits far outweigh the risks. It takes a lot to slow me down, and even more for me to come to a resistant halt.
I don’t just run for me, I run for my family and friends. During my run I devote thoughtful periods of time to all of my relationships. The physical, and even more important, the psychological benefits I receive from exercising (I practice yoga on a regular basis as well) allow me to show up as a better wife, mother, friend, sister, and daughter.
Back to Katy. Yes, she started running. And running and running. She’s a fixture on the streets of Sammamish. Just like her Momma, she’s caught the bug. For me, it’s exciting to hear her describe the feeling of calm and peace she feels after she finishes a 5-miler. She gets it, and there’s no doubt in my mind that she will continue to run and reap the mental, psychological, and physical benefits for years to come. I don’t discount the team sports any of my children play, but unlike these sports, running is something Katy has access to whenever she needs it.
I passed on to Kate the important understanding of taking time for you and can check that off the list of values that we all work so hard, both consciously and unconsciously, to pass on to our kids. Recently, a friend of mine joined the gym and had been taking a few yoga classes. I asked her how she liked it and if she planned to continue. “No,” she replied, “This is a lot for me to spend on just me.” (I’m fairly certain she was talking about both time, energy, and money). This friend gives of herself like no one else I’ve ever known. Her days are filled with time donated to the church, the school, and her family and friends. She doesn’t do it for the recognition. She’s truly an altruistic, generous, caring individual whom I admire. What fabulous qualities to pass on to her children, right? During our chat, I found myself feeling a little guilty (this is “my stuff” I’ve struggled with… thanks to society’s out-dated, stereotypical value of a woman’s sole success in life being measured by how much she gives of herself to others, particularly her husband and children). But, like many women I see in my counseling practice that give of themselves until they’re empty and experiencing depression or anxiety, I wonder if this friend has considered the one important value she might be missing? 80% of what children learn is from modeling. They’re watching our every move. As mothers and women, do we want our children (particularly our daughters) to grow up associating time spent on themselves with feelings of guilt?
Back to Katy. As predicted, she’s passed me (on so many levels). There was a fleeting period of time that we ran in synch, and it was nice. But then, youth and maturity (both hers and mine) prevailed. She’s faster and stronger. In order for her to get what she needs for her own self, she needed to pass me. There are times she runs with me and walks when I walk, and there are times she literally runs circles around me (running ahead and then circling back to me). On a recent run in Oregon together, as we approached the final leg of our run, I sensed she wanted to run ahead (she likes to push herself and speed up at the end, trying to take herself to the next level each time), but she was compelled to stay with me for this last part, as we were both running in unchartered territory for us. I knew she wasn’t staying with me out of obligation, but rather out of consideration… a normal reaction from the thoughtful, respectful young lady Katy has become (clearly this child’s parents taught her well).
At this point, I had three choices. As I sensed her pulling ahead I could tell her to slow down and stay with me (because we were in a new area). Second, I could say nothing and wait to see what she did, not telling her to stay, but not giving her permission to go (my guess is she would have continued by my side). And third, I could let her know it was okay to run ahead… it was okay to do what she needed to do for herself, and it was okay to go where neither of us had ever been. I chose the third. “Are you sure?” she said. “Absolutely,” I said, hiding any slight hesitation (because she’s good at sensing that). “Yes, Kate. Go. Do what you’ve gotta do. I’ll meet up with you when we’re both done.”
I highly doubt she’s been thinking about that day the way I have. She has no reason to. She’s too busy evolving into everything she’s supposed to be… we both are. I’m still amazed at all of the metaphors between running and yoga and life, and I hope the knowledge of the connection between the physical and mental, as well as the importance of taking time for YOU, is something I am able to pass on to all four of my children as well as my clients.
Intentionally,
Lisa
The Pregnancy Ride
Jubilation. Exhiliration. Amazement. Pride. Love. Fear. Intimidation. Trepidation. And this is all before 10:00 a.m. Couples who are in the midst of pregnancy or have just given birth often question whether what they're experiencing is "normal". With the addition of a family member, change is unevitable, and yet, many of the ways change presents itself can take the couple and the family by surprise, often leading to couples questioning themselves and even their relationship. This article titled "Pregnancy and Delivery" outlines when couples would benefit from the help of a therapist.
Working with couples who are considering pregnancy, pregnant, or are have give birth, is one of my special interests. If you think you or anyone you know would benefit from my counseling services, any referrals are appreciated.
Warmly,
Lisa
How do you distinguish the difference between normal, developmental sibling conflict and sibling violence?
As a parent of four, I admit it's sometimes easier to refuse to get involved and let the children handle it themselves. There always seems to be two of the four quarreling about something, and constantly referreeing can be mentally exhausting! As my husband has said in the past, "You kids would argue about the air you breathe!". As the article indicates, sibling rivalry is normal, healthy, and often beneficial, but as parents, how do we know when the conflict has gone too far, and what can be done about it?? This article by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy titled "Sibling Violence" offers some guidelines about developmentally normal sibling rivalry versus sibling violence. Intervening early, helping kids name their emotions, validating what they are experiencing, and teaching and modeling how to resolve conflict are some great ways to help children resolve conflicts in a healthy, productive manner. As a parent, when I become exasperated with the daily turmoil that sibling conflict creates, I think it's important to remind myself that helping my children to "fight fair" today, will help us all tomorrow. It's a process, not an event.
How much is too much??
Just the other day while on a run with my running partner, we were discussing how as children, we were never as scheduled out as our own kiddos. We all want our kids to succeed and be fabulous at everything they do, right? And, heaven forbid if little Johnny were to skip a season of baseball. He'd fall way behind the other boys, he wouldn't play All Stars, he wouldn't make the Varsity team, that college scholarship would be out, and who knows where Johnny would end up. In wanting the best for our kiddos, sometimes we're missing the basics for them and ourselves. This article from sheknows.com offers the opportunity to 'check it' when it comes to keeping our kids busy and at the 'top of their game'.
How much is too much?? By giving them a calendar full of activities and opportunities are we missing out on the essential experience of simply being a kid and spending quality time with family? Read on and find out....