My oldest daughter, Katy, turned 14 last month. (Gulp). All of the kiddos are growing up to be such fun, witty, beautiful, generous, amazing individuals! This past year Katy took up running on a regular basis. Before last year, she would join me for a run every now and then, but not really consistently. My guess is that she originally joined because she craved the one-on-one time with Mom... a rarity in a home with four children, and since no one else wanted to “run without being chased” (as my husband puts it), Katy saw an opportunity to get what she needed. When she first started, she'd huff and puff her way along, stopping to catch her breath or stretch a muscle. I'd walk with her when she’d stop, but I was anxious to start back up and couldn’t wait for the day sweet Kate could keep up and we could run together chatting and laughing the entire way.
I take my runs seriously. For me, it's like brushing my teeth... something that has to be done in order to go about my day. My run time is my time to unwind and organize my thoughts. This time also has a spiritual aspect to it. I can't completely describe it, but I feel alive, connected, and grounded when I'm outdoors pushing myself both physically and mentally. I cherish my runs and don't easily give them up. Like some of us who are "addicted" to exercise, I've been known to run through stress fractures, pulled muscles, and too soon after medical procedures. I can't help myself.... for me the benefits far outweigh the risks. It takes a lot to slow me down, and even more for me to come to a resistant halt.
I don’t just run for me, I run for my family and friends. During my run I devote thoughtful periods of time to all of my relationships. The physical, and even more important, the psychological benefits I receive from exercising (I practice yoga on a regular basis as well) allow me to show up as a better wife, mother, friend, sister, and daughter.
Back to Katy. Yes, she started running. And running and running. She’s a fixture on the streets of Sammamish. Just like her Momma, she’s caught the bug. For me, it’s exciting to hear her describe the feeling of calm and peace she feels after she finishes a 5-miler. She gets it, and there’s no doubt in my mind that she will continue to run and reap the mental, psychological, and physical benefits for years to come. I don’t discount the team sports any of my children play, but unlike these sports, running is something Katy has access to whenever she needs it.
I passed on to Kate the important understanding of taking time for you and can check that off the list of values that we all work so hard, both consciously and unconsciously, to pass on to our kids. Recently, a friend of mine joined the gym and had been taking a few yoga classes. I asked her how she liked it and if she planned to continue. “No,” she replied, “This is a lot for me to spend on just me.” (I’m fairly certain she was talking about both time, energy, and money). This friend gives of herself like no one else I’ve ever known. Her days are filled with time donated to the church, the school, and her family and friends. She doesn’t do it for the recognition. She’s truly an altruistic, generous, caring individual whom I admire. What fabulous qualities to pass on to her children, right? During our chat, I found myself feeling a little guilty (this is “my stuff” I’ve struggled with… thanks to society’s out-dated, stereotypical value of a woman’s sole success in life being measured by how much she gives of herself to others, particularly her husband and children). But, like many women I see in my counseling practice that give of themselves until they’re empty and experiencing depression or anxiety, I wonder if this friend has considered the one important value she might be missing? 80% of what children learn is from modeling. They’re watching our every move. As mothers and women, do we want our children (particularly our daughters) to grow up associating time spent on themselves with feelings of guilt?
Back to Katy. As predicted, she’s passed me (on so many levels). There was a fleeting period of time that we ran in synch, and it was nice. But then, youth and maturity (both hers and mine) prevailed. She’s faster and stronger. In order for her to get what she needs for her own self, she needed to pass me. There are times she runs with me and walks when I walk, and there are times she literally runs circles around me (running ahead and then circling back to me). On a recent run in Oregon together, as we approached the final leg of our run, I sensed she wanted to run ahead (she likes to push herself and speed up at the end, trying to take herself to the next level each time), but she was compelled to stay with me for this last part, as we were both running in unchartered territory for us. I knew she wasn’t staying with me out of obligation, but rather out of consideration… a normal reaction from the thoughtful, respectful young lady Katy has become (clearly this child’s parents taught her well).
At this point, I had three choices. As I sensed her pulling ahead I could tell her to slow down and stay with me (because we were in a new area). Second, I could say nothing and wait to see what she did, not telling her to stay, but not giving her permission to go (my guess is she would have continued by my side). And third, I could let her know it was okay to run ahead… it was okay to do what she needed to do for herself, and it was okay to go where neither of us had ever been. I chose the third. “Are you sure?” she said. “Absolutely,” I said, hiding any slight hesitation (because she’s good at sensing that). “Yes, Kate. Go. Do what you’ve gotta do. I’ll meet up with you when we’re both done.”
I highly doubt she’s been thinking about that day the way I have. She has no reason to. She’s too busy evolving into everything she’s supposed to be… we both are. I’m still amazed at all of the metaphors between running and yoga and life, and I hope the knowledge of the connection between the physical and mental, as well as the importance of taking time for YOU, is something I am able to pass on to all four of my children as well as my clients.
Intentionally,
Lisa