When It's More Than Just the 'Baby Blues: POST-PARTUM Disorders.

POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION

By Lisa Hunter, LMFTA

It’s been 10 months, and the moment has arrived.  There isn’t a thing out of place in the nursery, the tiny clothes are all washed (in a gentle, baby-friendly, environmentally-safe detergent, of course), and you’ve sat in that rocking chair picturing yourself gently lulling your baby back to sleep (naturally for the rest of the night… it’s your dream, right?) so that you can get some sleep and finish that 'Do-It-Yourself' kitchen project you’ve been planning to do once you had some ‘time off from work’. You’re positive the birth and the few months following will be exactly as you’ve always dreamed; that you’ll feel closer to your spouse than you’ve ever been (lots of date nights discussing which of baby’s traits are from each side of the family…don’t worry, he’ll claim all the ‘good’ ones), and that this tiny being will complete your life…. After all, that’s how it is in the media, right? It’s the second happily-ever-after. Blissful. Ethereal. Magical. Purposeful. And, who’s to say your life won’t become all of these things… (eventually)?

In another scenario, maybe your pregnancy wasn’t planned. It’s ‘not the right time’. You’re not ready for a child. Whatever the circumstances, many women expect one experience following the birth of a child and are often shell-shocked when handed another. This punctuated transition is often accompanied by:

• ·         Exhaustion resulting from recovery from giving birth and from sleepless nights
• ·         Less time with your spouse
• ·         Less time with girlfriends
• ·         Feelings of detachment from what you once knew to be your ‘real’ world.
• ·         Biochemical adjustments the hormones which supported your pregnancy rapidly fall in the hours or days following giving birth
• ·         Loss of freedom as caring for the newborn becomes the priority

The time immediately following giving birth is one of the most stressful, anxiety-provoking times in a woman’s life cycle, and it is my opinion that our individualistic, competitively-driven society has conditioned women to avoid discussing their extreme difficulties. It’s one thing to gripe with your girlfriends over a margarita about how your husband refuses to pick up his dirty laundry, but to bare your soul and admit that you are having a hard time functioning as in not having the energy or desire to take a shower more than once in one week …; as in holding this tiny, perfect piece of you, experiencing no joy, and telling yourself that you don’t see any way out of feeling this way…ever; as in sobbing when your husband leaves for work each morning. Talking about these things is often not in our societal makeup because once they’re ‘out there,’ means we’ve admitted failure, right? Ask for help? Hmmmph. As women, we tell ourselves we should be able to handle this on our own, just like our mothers and all the other women that bore children before us. ‘What’s wrong with me?’. It’s destructive, non-productive thoughts such as these along with biochemical changes in our bodies following giving birth that can lead to a downward spiral leaving new moms experiencing post-partum depression.

It’s important to distinguish between the following types of post-partum mood disorders as described by the Mayo Clinic:

Baby blues symptoms
Signs and symptoms of the baby blues — which last only a few days or weeks — may include:

• ·         Mood swings
• ·         Anxiety
• ·         Sadness
• ·         Irritability
• ·         Crying
• ·         Decreased concentration
• ·         Trouble sleeping

Post-partum depression symptoms
Post-partum depression may appear to be the baby blues at first — but the signs and symptoms are more intense and longer lasting, eventually interfering with your ability to care for your baby and handle other daily tasks. Postpartum depression symptoms may include:

• ·         Loss of appetite
• ·         Insomnia
• ·         Intense irritability and anger
• ·         Overwhelming fatigue
• ·         Loss of interest in sex
• ·         Lack of joy in life
• ·         Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy
• ·         Severe mood swing
• ·         Difficulty bonding with the baby
• ·         Withdrawal from family and friends
• ·         Thoughts of harming yourself or the baby

Untreated, postpartum depression may last for a year or more.

Post-partum psychosis
With post-partum psychosis — a rare condition that typically develops within the first two weeks after delivery — the signs and symptoms are even more severe. Signs and symptoms of postpartum psychosis may include:

• ·         Confusion and disorientation
• ·         Hallucinations and delusions
• ·         Paranoia
• ·         Attempts to harm yourself or the baby

No matter which type of post-partum disorder you may be dealing with, marriage and family therapists can help explore your thoughts and feelings, normalize your experience, and help you recognize your strengths and regain a sense of self during this transitional period. If you or someone you know is struggling after giving birth, please encourage her to reach out and talk to someone about her experience.

Intentionally Yours,

Lisa

Chasing Katy

My oldest daughter, Katy, turned 14 last month. (Gulp).  All of the kiddos are growing up to be such fun, witty, beautiful, generous, amazing individuals! This past year Katy took up running on a regular basis. Before last year, she would join me for a run every now and then, but not really consistently. My guess is that she originally joined because she craved the one-on-one time with Mom... a rarity in a home with four children, and since no one else wanted to “run without being chased” (as my husband puts it), Katy saw an opportunity to get what she needed. When she first started, she'd huff and puff her way along, stopping to catch her breath or stretch a muscle. I'd walk with her when she’d stop, but I was anxious to start back up and couldn’t wait for the day sweet Kate could keep up and we could run together chatting and laughing the entire way.

I take my runs seriously. For me, it's like brushing my teeth... something that has to be done in order to go about my day. My run time is my time to unwind and organize my thoughts. This time also has a spiritual aspect to it. I can't completely describe it, but I feel alive, connected, and grounded when I'm outdoors pushing myself both physically and mentally. I cherish my runs and don't easily give them up. Like some of us who are "addicted" to exercise, I've been known to run through stress fractures, pulled muscles, and too soon after medical procedures. I can't help myself.... for me the benefits far outweigh the risks. It takes a lot to slow me down, and even more for me to come to a resistant halt.

I don’t just run for me, I run for my family and friends. During my run I devote thoughtful periods of time to all of my relationships. The physical, and even more important, the psychological benefits I receive from exercising (I practice yoga on a regular basis as well) allow me to show up as a better wife, mother, friend, sister, and daughter. 

Back to Katy. Yes, she started running. And running and running. She’s a fixture on the streets of Sammamish. Just like her Momma, she’s caught the bug. For me, it’s exciting to hear her describe the feeling of calm and peace she feels after she finishes a 5-miler. She gets it, and there’s no doubt in my mind that she will continue to run and reap the mental, psychological, and physical benefits for years to come. I don’t discount the team sports any of my children play, but unlike these sports, running is something Katy has access to whenever she needs it.

I passed on to Kate the important understanding of taking time for you and can check that off the list of values that we all work so hard, both consciously and unconsciously, to pass on to our kids. Recently, a friend of mine joined the gym and had been taking a few yoga classes. I asked her how she liked it and if she planned to continue. “No,” she replied, “This is a lot for me to spend on just me.” (I’m fairly certain she was talking about both time, energy, and money). This friend gives of herself like no one else I’ve ever known. Her days are filled with time donated to the church, the school, and her family and friends. She doesn’t do it for the recognition. She’s truly an altruistic, generous, caring individual whom I admire. What fabulous qualities to pass on to her children, right? During our chat, I found myself feeling a little guilty (this is “my stuff” I’ve struggled with… thanks to society’s out-dated, stereotypical value of a woman’s sole success in life being measured by how much she gives of herself to others, particularly her husband and children). But, like many women I see in my counseling practice that give of themselves until they’re empty and experiencing depression or anxiety, I wonder if this friend has considered the one important value she might be missing? 80% of what children learn is from modeling. They’re watching our every move. As mothers and women, do we want our children (particularly our daughters) to grow up associating time spent on themselves with feelings of guilt?

Back to Katy. As predicted, she’s passed me (on so many levels). There was a fleeting period of time that we ran in synch, and it was nice. But then, youth and maturity (both hers and mine) prevailed. She’s faster and stronger. In order for her to get what she needs for her own self, she needed to pass me. There are times she runs with me and walks when I walk, and there are times she literally runs circles around me (running ahead and then circling back to me). On a recent run in Oregon together, as we approached the final leg of our run, I sensed she wanted to run ahead (she likes to push herself and speed up at the end, trying to take herself to the next level each time), but she was compelled to stay with me for this last part, as we were both running in unchartered territory for us. I knew she wasn’t staying with me out of obligation, but rather out of consideration… a normal reaction from the thoughtful, respectful young lady Katy has become (clearly this child’s parents taught her well).

At this point, I had three choices. As I sensed her pulling ahead I could tell her to slow down and stay with me (because we were in a new area). Second, I could say nothing and wait to see what she did, not telling her to stay, but not giving her permission to go (my guess is she would have continued by my side). And third, I could let her know it was okay to run ahead… it was okay to do what she needed to do for herself, and it was okay to go where neither of us had ever been.  I chose the third. “Are you sure?” she said. “Absolutely,” I said, hiding any slight hesitation (because she’s good at sensing that). “Yes, Kate. Go. Do what you’ve gotta do. I’ll meet up with you when we’re both done.”

I highly doubt she’s been thinking about that day the way I have. She has no reason to. She’s too busy evolving into everything she’s supposed to be… we both are. I’m still amazed at all of the metaphors between running and yoga and life, and I hope the knowledge of the  connection between the physical and mental, as well as the importance of taking time for YOU, is something I am able to pass on to all four of my children as well as my clients.

Intentionally,

Lisa

The Pregnancy Ride

Jubilation. Exhiliration. Amazement. Pride. Love. Fear. Intimidation. Trepidation. And this is all before 10:00 a.m. Couples who are in the midst of pregnancy or have just given birth often question whether what they're experiencing is "normal". With the addition of a family member, change is unevitable, and yet, many of the ways change presents itself can take the couple and the family by surprise, often leading to couples questioning themselves and even their relationship. This article titled "Pregnancy and Delivery" outlines when couples would benefit from the help of a therapist.

Working with couples who are considering pregnancy, pregnant, or are have give birth, is one of my special interests. If you think you or anyone you know would benefit from my counseling services, any referrals are appreciated.

Warmly,

Lisa 

New Year's Self-Care Intentions

New Year’s Self-Care Intentions

Are you someone who is constantly on the go? Is every second of your day filled to the brim with tasks to cross off the list and people to please? At the end of the day rather than reflecting on the simple joys of the day, do you find yourself exasperated and disappointed for all the things you weren’t able to get to? Do you feel like a failure because there is unfolded laundry on the floor, the kitchen counter is, well, “what kitchen counter?”,  you never made it to pick up the laundry, you’re serving a frozen lasagna instead of something homemade, and that report that was due at 4:00? …it’s somewhere on the kitchen counter… unfinished.  Somehow you just can’t figure it out, and you’re positive you’re the only one, right? In fact, you’re so sure that you don’t talk about how you’re feeling or what thoughts are running through your mind with anyone. You keep it inside, consider the subject unworthy of your own or anyone else’s attention, and the cycle continues…

I see women, in particular, in my practice who experience this phenomenon daily. “My doctor referred me to you because they’ve run all the tests, and they can’t figure out why my headaches won’t go away,” “I cry a lot, and I don’t know why,” or “I have trouble sleeping at night. I just can’t seem to quiet my mind.”  Sound familiar? Has this ever happened to you?  I see this as a threefold issue: 

First, in each of these instances, the women are often unaware of the mind/ body connection.  When we experience stress or depression, our bodies react and symptoms are often experienced psychosomatically. In my practice, I encourage individuals to pay attention to their bodies and to get curious about even the slightest ache or pain. Emotions are first experienced in the body.  Physical activities, such as yoga, hiking, or walking are good ways to get in touch with your body.

Second, even though there are more women in the workforce than in the past, in many instances society has held on to the idea of the woman as the primary caretaker of the children and as the housekeeper. Hmmph. Yes, it’s true.  We are still in an era where a “traditional” marriage is often the norm.  In couples’ sessions, I have each individual write down every task they do around the house. It’s almost always lopsided in favor of the men.  Negotiation of household tasks via the creation of a “contract” is something I encourage couples in all stages of marriage or couple-hood to sit down and spend some time on; it’s too easy for some women to unconsciously take on more, and for some men to unconsciously allow it.

Third, there is a direct connection between thoughts, behaviors, and emotions; any one can greatly affect the other. This is where the self-care comes in. I strongly believe that self-care is not a luxury, it’s a necessity. And by necessity, I don’t mean participating in an activity while ruminating about all the other tasks you have to accomplish that day. Self-care is about being fully present in the moment. It’s about doing something just for you. It’s nourishing your soul and concentrating on pleasing yourself as much as you work so hard at taking care of and pleasing others. If this is a new concept for you, a suggestion is to start with just one activity once a week. Group activities, such as a book club, group hike, or meeting for coffee are great, but I strongly encourage you to also find an activity for just you…. one where your mind is freed up from conversation with others. Being with just yourself doing something that brings you joy can be surprisingly invigorating. In this instance, your self-care activity of choice is the behavior that has a direct impact on your thoughts and emotions.  If you’re a parent, while it’s easy to assume the stance that “the kids are the priority, and I don’t have time for me”, please consider the message you are passing on to your child when you don’t take the time to take care of you.

Finally, now that we have the cognitive triad established (thoughts, behaviors, and emotions all affecting one another) consider the scenario at the beginning of this blog.  It’s easier to understand the effect that focusing on negative thoughts can have on one’s behaviors (feeling stressed and down, not sleeping, psychosomatic symptoms) and emotions. Thought-stopping is hard at first, but with enough practice and repetition the neurons in your brain will begin to wire and fire together without any effort. Taking time each day to talk to others and solely reflect about what was great while also validating any challenges, will create a sense of peace and normalcy concerning the struggles, and will remind you of days joys and successes.

In considering your New Year’s Resolutions, I suggest setting a Self-Care Intention.  Remember to set achievable goals. Giving yourself the time and attention you need and deserve will not only benefit you but also those around you.

The kindest compliment is a referral. If you know of anyone in Sammamish or Issaquah, who would benefit from my in-home counseling services, please pass my name and website information on.  Thank you!

Respectfully yours in 2012,

Lisa