New Year’s Self-Care Intentions
Are you someone who is constantly on the go? Is every second of your day filled to the brim with tasks to cross off the list and people to please? At the end of the day rather than reflecting on the simple joys of the day, do you find yourself exasperated and disappointed for all the things you weren’t able to get to? Do you feel like a failure because there is unfolded laundry on the floor, the kitchen counter is, well, “what kitchen counter?”, you never made it to pick up the laundry, you’re serving a frozen lasagna instead of something homemade, and that report that was due at 4:00? …it’s somewhere on the kitchen counter… unfinished. Somehow you just can’t figure it out, and you’re positive you’re the only one, right? In fact, you’re so sure that you don’t talk about how you’re feeling or what thoughts are running through your mind with anyone. You keep it inside, consider the subject unworthy of your own or anyone else’s attention, and the cycle continues…
I see women, in particular, in my practice who experience this phenomenon daily. “My doctor referred me to you because they’ve run all the tests, and they can’t figure out why my headaches won’t go away,” “I cry a lot, and I don’t know why,” or “I have trouble sleeping at night. I just can’t seem to quiet my mind.” Sound familiar? Has this ever happened to you? I see this as a threefold issue:
First, in each of these instances, the women are often unaware of the mind/ body connection. When we experience stress or depression, our bodies react and symptoms are often experienced psychosomatically. In my practice, I encourage individuals to pay attention to their bodies and to get curious about even the slightest ache or pain. Emotions are first experienced in the body. Physical activities, such as yoga, hiking, or walking are good ways to get in touch with your body.
Second, even though there are more women in the workforce than in the past, in many instances society has held on to the idea of the woman as the primary caretaker of the children and as the housekeeper. Hmmph. Yes, it’s true. We are still in an era where a “traditional” marriage is often the norm. In couples’ sessions, I have each individual write down every task they do around the house. It’s almost always lopsided in favor of the men. Negotiation of household tasks via the creation of a “contract” is something I encourage couples in all stages of marriage or couple-hood to sit down and spend some time on; it’s too easy for some women to unconsciously take on more, and for some men to unconsciously allow it.
Third, there is a direct connection between thoughts, behaviors, and emotions; any one can greatly affect the other. This is where the self-care comes in. I strongly believe that self-care is not a luxury, it’s a necessity. And by necessity, I don’t mean participating in an activity while ruminating about all the other tasks you have to accomplish that day. Self-care is about being fully present in the moment. It’s about doing something just for you. It’s nourishing your soul and concentrating on pleasing yourself as much as you work so hard at taking care of and pleasing others. If this is a new concept for you, a suggestion is to start with just one activity once a week. Group activities, such as a book club, group hike, or meeting for coffee are great, but I strongly encourage you to also find an activity for just you…. one where your mind is freed up from conversation with others. Being with just yourself doing something that brings you joy can be surprisingly invigorating. In this instance, your self-care activity of choice is the behavior that has a direct impact on your thoughts and emotions. If you’re a parent, while it’s easy to assume the stance that “the kids are the priority, and I don’t have time for me”, please consider the message you are passing on to your child when you don’t take the time to take care of you.
Finally, now that we have the cognitive triad established (thoughts, behaviors, and emotions all affecting one another) consider the scenario at the beginning of this blog. It’s easier to understand the effect that focusing on negative thoughts can have on one’s behaviors (feeling stressed and down, not sleeping, psychosomatic symptoms) and emotions. Thought-stopping is hard at first, but with enough practice and repetition the neurons in your brain will begin to wire and fire together without any effort. Taking time each day to talk to others and solely reflect about what was great while also validating any challenges, will create a sense of peace and normalcy concerning the struggles, and will remind you of days joys and successes.
In considering your New Year’s Resolutions, I suggest setting a Self-Care Intention. Remember to set achievable goals. Giving yourself the time and attention you need and deserve will not only benefit you but also those around you.
The kindest compliment is a referral. If you know of anyone in Sammamish or Issaquah, who would benefit from my in-home counseling services, please pass my name and website information on. Thank you!
Respectfully yours in 2012,
Lisa