John Mayer said it nicely:
"On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too"
I recently read an article about how influential fathers can and should be with regard to breaking down the traditional stereotypes of girls as emotional and boys as logical and rational, as well as to combat the objectification and sexualization of girls, which is happening at increasingly younger ages (yes, think 'Toddlers and Tiaras'.... W.O.W.... that's all I have to say about that show). I completely agree with this concept. However, I believe that all families (Moms, Dads, and any combination of the two) would benefit their daughters by stepping back and considering what messages are being sent both in and out of the house and what effect we can all have on these messages and how our girls view themselves. Girls have enough going against them when one considers the near-naked ads, the sexist jokes (the proverbial, "I was just messin' with ya," doesn't cut it), the prom and pageant spectacles, the slurs on the street, and the plethora of 'reality' t.v. All these things work against the quest to raise strong, confident, intelligent girls who are comfortable with all aspects of themselves, not limited to their physical attributes.
80% of what children learn is through modeling. This good news for moms and dads. We do matter. We do! They are watching and listening. So here's a list of things we can do to counter the negative messages our daughters are inevitably bombarded with:
- Consider your relationship with your spouse or partner. Children learn how to be in a relationship from the first relationship they witness: their parents'. Treat your partner the way you would want your daughter or son to be treated in a relationship because in their world, whatever they witness is their 'normal'.
- Be aware of too much external praise. "You're so cute (pretty, beautiful, gorgeous)" or "What a princess you are!!" sends a message to girls that they will first get noticed for how they look, and that their looks are therefore what matters. Hearing this message again and again and can lead to self-criticism and body image disorders. When another person states how pretty your daughter is, think about adding a phrase such as, "Yes, and she is creative too!". Society is ready to sexualize and objectify your daughter, but your time with her can innoculate her against this indignity.
- Try asking your daughter how she feels about herself at any given moment, and remember to praise her for her internal qualities, "Wow, look how strong you are kicking the ball!", "What a fabulous friend you are to Emma!", "How do you feel about getting an 'A' on that test"?
- Listen more, talk less. When our children are going through rough times, as parents, dads in particular, we have a tendency to want to 'fix things' and make it all better. It's natural to want to take the pain away, but letting girls talk about their problems and generate their own list of possible solutions is an excellent life skill that relays the message to them that they are smart and capable. It allows them to find their inner voice and resulting strength. I even suggest letting your daughter argue her case with you. In letting your daughter speak, you are telling her that what she has to say is worth hearing, and as she gets older, she'll be ready to let the world know it!
- Hug, kiss, snuggle, wrestle, give piggy-back rides, hold her hand, brush her hair, give her a back massage, or whatever other kind of touch comes to mind. Show her that there are ways to be close and be touched that aren't sexual or aggressive.
- Let go of overprotectiveness. Yup. This applies to all ages. Allowing your toddler daughter to stray from you and discover the world around her while having you there to guide her and brush the gravel off her knees when she falls gives her the confidence to explore her world and try new things knowing you're there if she needs you. As your now teenage daughter heads out the door on her first date, instead of 'standing on the porch with the proverbial shotgun' let her know that you are confident in her ability to make the right decisions, and that you'll be there if she needs you. Letting go is hard at any age, but like it or not, that's the ultimate goal, right? So the sooner she can start practicing for this moment, the better off she'll be.
- Sons. Ground zero. Be aware of how you talk about and treat women in front of your sons, for this how they learn to view and treat girls. This is the foundation of their view of how they relate to the opposite sex. Showing them how to respect and view girls and women as intelligent, strong equal human beings is one of the first steps in stopping the perpetual cycle described above.
By Lisa Hunter, M.A., LMFTA
Intentionally yours,
Lisa
