In the counseling world, this is what we call a REFRAME:
Why a Teen Who Talks Back May Have a Bright Future: NPR
Happy Wednesday!
~Lisa
The mysterious workings of the ADOLESCENT BRAIN- TED Talk by Sarah-Jayne Blakemore
For my dear husband and all the other parents out there who have a teenager (or maybe four, as in our case) in the house and just. do. not. get. whattheywerethinking when (insert behavior here)!!
When as parents we ask "Did you think about this? Did you even use your brain?", sometimes teenagers' brains are busy pruning unused synaptic nerves, and they are just not developmentally ready to consider all the consequences or use the thoughtful judgment that you and I (as adults) are capable of (most of time...hehee). It's true! But don't worry, in this valuable TED Talk, Sarah-Jayne Blakemore assures us that it'll all fall in place.... By the time your precious little one is TWENTY-FOUR (choke, cough) he or she will hopefully be through with adolescence and able to maintain a "stable, independent role in society." THAT's the goal, right folks? (Have I mentioned that the 'experts' are adding a new 'life-cycle stage' in which adult children in their mid-twenties move back in with their parents due to it taking longer for young adults to become self-supporting in today's economy?...Some are calling it "economic adolescence"... that's another blog entry).
This vid is about 15 minutes, but well worth the watch. Since initially watching it a few months ago, I have referred back to it several times.... to remind myself of where my darlings are at developmentally. Seriously good info here!
Intentionally yours,
Lisa
“It is not what you do for your children but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.” ~ Ann Landers
As children are either just underway or about to start the new school year, my pledge to myself and my family is to remember the above quote. As parents, if we do for our children what they are developmentally able to do for themselves, we miss a valuable opportunity for our children to experience their competence and gain confidence. So kiddos, you are on your own for SCHOOL LUNCHES this year! I'M doing YOU a favor! .... However, I am taking orders for healthy options to have around the house. What age-appropriate tasks are you having your children take on?
I hope everyone is set for a FABULOUS start to the 2012-2013 school year!
Intentionally yours!
~Lisa
DAUGHTERS: Busting through the sexual stereotypes & raising strong girls.
John Mayer said it nicely:
"On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world
So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too"
I recently read an article about how influential fathers can and should be with regard to breaking down the traditional stereotypes of girls as emotional and boys as logical and rational, as well as to combat the objectification and sexualization of girls, which is happening at increasingly younger ages (yes, think 'Toddlers and Tiaras'.... W.O.W.... that's all I have to say about that show). I completely agree with this concept. However, I believe that all families (Moms, Dads, and any combination of the two) would benefit their daughters by stepping back and considering what messages are being sent both in and out of the house and what effect we can all have on these messages and how our girls view themselves. Girls have enough going against them when one considers the near-naked ads, the sexist jokes (the proverbial, "I was just messin' with ya," doesn't cut it), the prom and pageant spectacles, the slurs on the street, and the plethora of 'reality' t.v. All these things work against the quest to raise strong, confident, intelligent girls who are comfortable with all aspects of themselves, not limited to their physical attributes.
80% of what children learn is through modeling. This good news for moms and dads. We do matter. We do! They are watching and listening. So here's a list of things we can do to counter the negative messages our daughters are inevitably bombarded with:
- Consider your relationship with your spouse or partner. Children learn how to be in a relationship from the first relationship they witness: their parents'. Treat your partner the way you would want your daughter or son to be treated in a relationship because in their world, whatever they witness is their 'normal'.
- Be aware of too much external praise. "You're so cute (pretty, beautiful, gorgeous)" or "What a princess you are!!" sends a message to girls that they will first get noticed for how they look, and that their looks are therefore what matters. Hearing this message again and again and can lead to self-criticism and body image disorders. When another person states how pretty your daughter is, think about adding a phrase such as, "Yes, and she is creative too!". Society is ready to sexualize and objectify your daughter, but your time with her can innoculate her against this indignity.
- Try asking your daughter how she feels about herself at any given moment, and remember to praise her for her internal qualities, "Wow, look how strong you are kicking the ball!", "What a fabulous friend you are to Emma!", "How do you feel about getting an 'A' on that test"?
- Listen more, talk less. When our children are going through rough times, as parents, dads in particular, we have a tendency to want to 'fix things' and make it all better. It's natural to want to take the pain away, but letting girls talk about their problems and generate their own list of possible solutions is an excellent life skill that relays the message to them that they are smart and capable. It allows them to find their inner voice and resulting strength. I even suggest letting your daughter argue her case with you. In letting your daughter speak, you are telling her that what she has to say is worth hearing, and as she gets older, she'll be ready to let the world know it!
- Hug, kiss, snuggle, wrestle, give piggy-back rides, hold her hand, brush her hair, give her a back massage, or whatever other kind of touch comes to mind. Show her that there are ways to be close and be touched that aren't sexual or aggressive.
- Let go of overprotectiveness. Yup. This applies to all ages. Allowing your toddler daughter to stray from you and discover the world around her while having you there to guide her and brush the gravel off her knees when she falls gives her the confidence to explore her world and try new things knowing you're there if she needs you. As your now teenage daughter heads out the door on her first date, instead of 'standing on the porch with the proverbial shotgun' let her know that you are confident in her ability to make the right decisions, and that you'll be there if she needs you. Letting go is hard at any age, but like it or not, that's the ultimate goal, right? So the sooner she can start practicing for this moment, the better off she'll be.
- Sons. Ground zero. Be aware of how you talk about and treat women in front of your sons, for this how they learn to view and treat girls. This is the foundation of their view of how they relate to the opposite sex. Showing them how to respect and view girls and women as intelligent, strong equal human beings is one of the first steps in stopping the perpetual cycle described above.
By Lisa Hunter, M.A., LMFTA
Intentionally yours,
Lisa
Wondering if it's okay for your child to see 'The Hunger Games' (or other violent movies)?
So you've heard about the violence and scantily-clad teens fighting each other in The Hunger Games (like your child, maybe you've even read the book), and your wondering if it's appropriate for your child to view this much anticipated movie. According to this article, viewing The Hunger Games (or other violent movies) alongside your child, rather than shielding them or leaving them to view it on their own, is the best option. It has been proven that from an early age, children have the ability to determine fact from fiction. Watching the movie with your child will allow for a discussion afterward about the context of the violence and any underlying messages in the movie and how to address these in their own lives. In the case of 'The Hunger Games', if you determine it appropriate for your child, I recommend using this movie to address aggression (both your child's and others'), a normal, human condition. Some questions you might ask yourself and your child include:
What's it like when we feel aggressive towards others? What are we telling ourselves? What could/ should we be telling ourselves? What are some appropriate and not appropriate options? What can you do when someone is aggressive towards you?
Click here for the full article.
The Hunger Games Trailer
What are your thoughts? Do you agree or disagree?
Intentionally,
Lisa
ps: If you haven't had a chance to 'LIKE' my Facebook page, please head on over and click that button! Thank you!
The key to brain development in infants and children: LOVE.
When it comes to hippocampi (think brain parts), size DOES matter. According to Dr. Charles Raison, CNNhealth's mental health expert,
"...more than any place else in the brain, when it comes to the hippocampus, size matters. Other things being equal, having small hippocampi increases your risk for all sorts of troubles, from depression and post traumatic stress disorder to Alzheimer’s disease.
Just as having small hippocampi increases the risk for all sorts of mental disorders, all the things in our lives that put us under undue stress and strain also shrink the hippocampus. This is as true for cigarette smoking as it is for being exposed as a child to abuse or parental neglect.
In addition to protecting us against brain illnesses, we all need big hippocampi because this brain area, while not much bigger than your little finger, plays a disproportionately large role in how you will be able to handle the stresses and strains of your life, and how you will remember your life when it’s all said and done. This is so because the hippocampus is crucial for our ability to form and store personal memories. It is also of central importance for restraining the body’s stress and inflammatory responses, both of which can induce significant damage to bodily organs and the brain if not properly reined in."
Especially nurturing mothers can literally grow their children's hippocampi. TRANSLATION: Parents who are emotionally present for their children innoculate these children against life stressors... both mentally AND physically.
And soooo, if Mom (or Dad, if he is the primary caregiver) is struggling with depression or anxiety or any other mental condition, being physically present and going through the day to day motions of caring for the children isn't enough. LOVE and NURTURING are the most important environmental factors in predicting a child's future emotional well-being. Marriage and family therapists can help parents so they can be emotionally available for their children thus resulting in not only the parents living a more emotionally-satisfying life, but an 'immunization' for their children's present and future emotional health.
Intentionally,
Lisa
Click here for the full article in CNN Health.