Creating psychological distance within the comfort of closeness is essential, per Esther Perel, for sustaining desire in a loving relationship. Esther Perel is one of the world's leading psychotherapists working with couples. This is an EXCELLENT article for those who believe two must become one in a relationship. TOO MUCH CLOSENESS IMPEDES DESIRE. This can be a difficult concept for many couples to grasp.
3 SIGNS YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM COUPLES COUNSELING
- You both are feeling ‘unheard’ and having trouble seeing the issue or situation from your
partner’s point of view. If there’s lots of conflict in your relationship about what seems like everything, even the little stuff, consider that it is difficult to get to the place where you can productively consider potential solutions to your problems if neither of you feels like the other person hears where you’re coming from. - When there has been emotional or physical infidelity. You may think you can work through this on your own, but a professional can create a meaningful framework for the recovery process, provide a safe space for each individual to be heard, help redefine the relationship, and create a narrative lending an understanding as to how the relationship got to a place where it became vulnerable to the affair in order to recognize the first signs in the future and innoculate the relationship against any potential threats.
- When you are having difficulty adjusting to a major life transition, such as parenthood, launching of children, or dealing with the problems and responsibilities associated with aging parents. Let’s face it, when our lives get turned upside down, and what we once knew to be ‘normal’ seems so far away, it takes some adjusting, not only as an individual, but also as a couple. Our ‘normal’ patterns of interaction and reaction may not make sense given the new circumstances.
~Lisa
A Nation of Cutoffs
According to Murray Bowen, cutoffs develop as an attempt to adapt to intense anxiety in a relationship. Have you ever said to someone you're in a
relationship with, "I'm done. I don't need you anymore. It's just too hard to deal with you?" Cutoff is a distancing posture carried to the extreme. In some cases, cutoff may be the only viable answer, such as in an abusive relationship. Sometimes cutoff is subtle, in the form of emotionally removing oneself from the relationship, but still keeping in contact. Whatever the form of the cuttoff, most of the time when we say, "I'm done", we are far, far from actually being done. The intense fusion to this other person doesn't just go away. And in fact, it seeps into other relationships.
America has been called a nation of cutoffs, since most of its inhabitants were immigrants who often left important others across the sea. Culturally, cutoff is a pattern seen in American families, and is often considered a desirable state of affairs. Children grow up and leave home, and often never 'emotionally' return, thus severing what were once emotionally meaningful relationships, only visiting on holidays or when obligated.
Cutoff is a temporary fix. Cutoff can initially ameliorate intense feelings of anxiety, but over time it will have the opposite effect. People involved in cutoff relationships will often develop an intensification of feelings of depression and anxiety. A history of cutoff in the family of origin can be linked with difficulties in current relationships, including the workplace, friends, and family.
Rather than focusing on the issues that lead to the cutoff, try focusing on the pattern. The distancing pattern may play out several times a day. When we become familiar with our own patterns, we are in a better position to recognize the anxiety that is driving these patterns. Working with the anxiety itself may be more productive than trying to change a distancing pattern. And, as with all patterns, asking ourselves the following three questions might be helpful:
- "HOW DID I CONTRIBUTE TO THIS CUTOFF?"
- "WHAT IS MY ROLE IN THESE REPEATED PATTERNS?"
- "IS THERE ANYTHING I COULD BE DOING TO LOWER MY EMOTIONAL INTENSITY?"
Working to resolve cutoffs with the family of origin is always helpful. Cutoff cannot be changed unless someone steps up and takes responsibility for for his or herself.
(Adapted from Roberta Gilbert's 'Extraordinary Relationships', 1992)
~Lisa
Emotional Flooding 101
We've all been there! Anger. Increased heart rate. Increased blood pressure. The secretion of adrenaline. Any kind of 'threat' (beit hunger or an emotional violation) creates the same physiological response as if someone were threatening you physically. The logical, thoughtful part of your brain, the pre-frontal cortex, shuts down and the amygdala kicks in. The amygdala doesn't care what you think. There's no time for that! Its role is to get you the heck outta the situation (fight, flight, or freeze)! YOU CAN'T THINK CLEARLY OR HEAR WHAT YOUR PARTNER IS SAYING.
The solution: TAKE A 20-30 minute break. Don't ruminate about whatever the issue was during this break. Practice SELF-SOOTHING. Agree to resume your talk later.
~Lisa
Are People Who Have Affairs LIARS?
"Oh what a tangled web we weave...."
Are people who have affairs LIARS? How could it be otherwise?
Discovering a trail of sexual encounters or emotional attachments is painful, but the lying and deception are the most appalling violations.
If you are married to someone who has been having an affair (either physical OR emotional), you have to be able to decipher if the lying is a consequence of this particular situation or an embedded personality trait that is a matter of character.
Lies of commission or lies of ommission? Either way they have a way of scaffolding.
Unfaithful partners report they are protecting their partners from the pain, but in actuality, they are protecting themselves from exposure and having to end the affair.
When the affair is discovered, COMING CLEAN and being upfront about the extent of the affair is the only way for the betrayed spouse to begin recover. FULL DISCLOSURE of significant facts needs to happen in the beginning stages of recovery.
~Lisa
Is it "BUSINESS TIME" at your house tonight?
BEST. VIDEO. EVER... Are you wearing your BUSINESS socks this Valentine's Day? And remember, "two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven...".
Intentionally yours,
Lisa