"Usually what people do in a relationship crisis is more of the same thing they have been doing, only more intensely and more anxiously."

-Roberta M. Gilbert, M.D., taken from 'Extraordinary Relationships- A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions'.

If your partner doesn't understand your argument, you must not be yelling loud enough, right? "Oh, I see what you're saying now, thank you for yelling louder so that my pea-brain was finally able to get it. Thank you for finally enlightening me! I am so lucky I am with you, sweetheart! You always set me straight." Is this how it goes for you? My guess is that the more you yell, the more your partner digs his or her heals in to his or her position and the two of you become 'polarized' in your views. When anxiety decreases sufficiently, thoughtfulness can be applied, and you each can begin to think about the problem and your contribution. A pattern in the relationship is revealed that may not be serving either of you well, but without interruption, the pattern can take on a life of its own.

YOUR OWN PART IN THE PATTERN IS THE ONLY PART YOU HAVE THE POWER CHANGE.

That's right. Trying to change your partner is going isn't going to get you anything but more frustration. Marriage and family therapists are trained to work with you and your partner, or you as an individual, to interrupt these unwanted patterns and get you more of you want in your relationship.

Intentionally yours,

Lisa